Sex. It’s everywhere. It is coming out of the walls. A lot of water is coming up through the floorboards. Mom: “Where’s all this sex coming from?” Make sure that all of the white goods go up the stairs. It’s time to talk about sex games for PC. What are the best?
Then, you open the back door and let a huge wave of filthy sex wash over the living room, taking your dad’s slippers away in a frothy deluge while the family dog barks, confused and soaked. That’s sexy. Or homes that are near flood plains. I can’t remember which one is which.
CRUSADER KINGS 3
It’s all about living in a world where you can lie, cheat, steal, kill, and hit your way to the top. There are bound to be enemies in this dangerous way of life who, understandably, want you dead after you had sex with their spouse. You’ll need an heir ready to take your place when you die.
All the things that happen in Crusader Kings 3 have to do with sex in some way. You can find your wife humming a picture of your grandfather, or even try to seduce the Pope if that’s what you want to do. Want someone to carry on your legacy? Have some sex, please! Become a monarch? Have some sex, please! You don’t want to be angry when you find out your spouse is having an affair with your cousin. Um, did you happen to see them having sex? So, Crusader Kings 3 is a very honest look at what humans are like when they’re left alone to be their worst selves, and our CK3 review can tell you how much fun that is. You can read it here. In case you want to learn more about any of these sexual situations in Crusader Kings 3, here’s our guide for new players.
SOUTH PARK: THE STICK OF TRUTH
There aren’t many sex games like South Park: The Stick of Truth. The reason is a scene that looks a lot like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, but with a lot more scrotum dodging.
After shrinking down to the size of a gerbil, you come out of a vent and enter your parents’ room, where they are asleep. As you fight off a group of underwear-stealing gnomes on the other side of the dresser, they start fighting on their bed. This is because it’s South Park. As soon as you get on the bed, you find yourself in a fight with an Underpants Warlock. You have to dodge limbs and swinging arms in quick time events. It’s kind of like in your dreams.
MASS EFFECT: LEGENDARY EDITION
The Mass Effect series is the only time you’re likely to see the word “romanceable” used. At least until it turns into the name of a bad dating app made in Silicon Valley.
Mass Effect: Legendary Edition is a huge RPG filled to the brim with romanceable NPCs. It’s the best way to play the much-loved trilogy. During each of the three adventures, you will be able to flirt with a lot of different people and play a game of tonsil tennis. Then you will do the horizontal mambo. To make things even better, you can keep your progress and relationships from one game to the next.
A lot of BioWare’s other games have also become known for being sexy. A game like Dragon Age: Inquisition lets you have sex with anyone you want, and it’s very fun. People who work at BioWare should be doused in several gallons of the iciest water they can get their hands on.
Make sure you read our Mass Effect Legendary Edition romance guide if you want to get to know your favourite party member. Just make sure you have a backup save when you decide to sleep with one of the NPCs in Mass Effect 2. We’ve heard that one of them is a little on the rougher side.
This isn’t because they don’t want to have to animate everything that moves, but because they don’t want to risk having someone’s important parts stuck in the ground and elongating to cover the gap between Sanctuary and the Glowing Sea (incidentally the same technique employed by the medical practitioners who send enthusiastic emails to young men of low self-esteem).
True to life, sex in Fallout 4 is only possible if you pass a series of regular and more difficult charisma tests. You’ll be able to enjoy a fade to black and a night on a dirty mattress after you learn about all of the bugs, crashes, and fixes that can stop your virtual sex. If you pass through the necessary checks and balances to keep 200-year-old widowers from having sex, you’ll be rewarded with a fade to black.
If you know how to use the right Fallout 4 mods, the experience can be very different. We also found that there are a lot of Alsatian things you can do in Fallout 4, even if you don’t want to play online. You can read about them in our PC review.
THE WITCHER 3: WILD HUNT
The Witcher games are full of every kind of fantasy wizard sex you can think of, so much so that the game and its cast of dozens of sexable NPCs have been called sexist by some. I think it’s because The Witcher 3 and its convoluted quests are so ridiculous in this picture of a never-ending parade of women grabbing on to Geralt’s balls that the game can get away with these “boning-upon-quest-completion transactions.”
Any way you cut this cake, there are layers of sex sponge with sex filling in between. There is no doubt about that. The Witcher 3 was the best game of 2015, even if you don’t like sex. It doesn’t matter how you feel about that. Take a look at our PC review of The Witcher 3 to learn why the action-RPG classic has so much more going for it than sex between the sheets
Robert Yang is the master of offbeat sex games packed with humour and ridiculous, shiny 3D character models. The Tearoom is ostensibly about having sex with lots of men in public bathrooms, but there’s a story behind this, which is why Yang refers to The Tearoom as a ‘historical public bathroom simulator’. Back in the ‘60s, hidden surveillance was often used to secretly film men having sex with other men in a public bathroom and imprison them under sodomy laws. To get with and get off as many men as possible without getting caught by the police, you’re in charge of the “Tea Room.” Oh, and all of the penises are guns.
Why? In order to make sure that The Tearoom isn’t censored like a lot of Yang’s other games, he has changed all of the penises in the game with guns, which are never censored.
It’s probably the best adult game out there at the moment. Not only does it have a lot of beautiful 3D sex scenes, but it also has an interesting plot, a lot of humour, and good gameplay.
It’s also a lot like a parody of Mass Effect, which is always a good thing to have. You’ll blast alien ships in space and more aliens on the ground with a mix of shoot ’em up gameplay and turn-based strategy in this game.
CATHERINE: FULL BODY
If Catherine: Full Body is on your list, it’s not really a game about sex. It has a lot of adult and sexy themes, so it’s still on there.
On top of that, it has a great story, characters you can relate to, beautiful art, and a lot of fun (and hard) puzzle gameplay.
Atlus games are known for having good games, so this one is pretty much a must-have.
You’ll be able to find it on PlayStation 4 and Nintendo Switch, which means you should probably keep your expectations in check when it comes to sexual content. Steam only has the original Catherine.