10 – The Zookeeper
Kevin James is an employee of a zoological garden. That’s apparently a huge no-no. So uncool, in fact, that his girlfriend ends their relationship as a result of it. However, despite the fact that she’s a disgusting fake who only cares about her money, Kevin James still wants her back and decides to leave the zoo. There’s only one problem: the animals can communicate with each other using cheesy CGI lip-synching.
If there wasn’t a voiced gorilla named Bernie who eats dinner at T.G.I. Friday’s, this would be a zoo of ZEROEs in our book. That is, if it weren’t for Adam Fucking Sandler reprising his Capuchin monkey role from Stupid Fucking Voice. It’s unfortunate, but that means we’ll have to destroy the entire zoo complex. Bernie, I apologize for my behavior.
9 – Fierce Creatures
John Cleese is the zookeeper at Marwood Zoo in the British comedy The Office. Everything you need to know about the state of the place is right there in front of your eyes. An ultimatum is thrust upon him when the city’s zoo is taken over by the state. Profits must rise or the zoo will be forced to close. In keeping with his character’s twisted sense of humor, John Cleese decides to populate his zoo with only the most vicious animals. For two reasons: sex and violence are popular, and that’s what people want to see.
A zoo in which llamas fight each other three times in the afternoon sounds FANTASTIC, in my opinion. And if the exact time the lions were doing something was advertised, wouldn’t you plan your visits accordingly? You’d expect that, wouldn’t you? Even though the movie doesn’t go all the way, it does set the stage. Your work, Fierce Creatures, has been excellent. Let’s put these concepts into action in the real world.
8 – We Bought A Zoo
This place is like a zoo. Scarlett Johansson is a member of the staff. We’d pay for a lifetime pass even if it contained only a Billy Bass Trout and an old bicycle tyre that resembled a snake when viewed closely. As a result of the fact that it is a zoo. Scarlett Johansson is a member of the staff.
7 – Jumanji
It’s like being in a zoo, really. THERE IS ONE. As far as we can tell, it’s a zoo in a box. But since all you have to do to get into it is play the board game Jumanji, that’s how we’re looking at it. When you play, all kinds of animals appear, and you can only get there by doing so. A miniature zoo contained within a shipping container. Wouldn’t that have made for a much more satisfying conclusion to Se7en? Oh my gosh, it’s like having your own personal zoo.
6 – Anchorman
It’s not really about a zoo, but it sure makes good use of one when it does. During a trip with her favorite news crew to cover the story of a pregnant panda, Christina Applegate gets lost in a pit full of Kodiak Bears. This isn’t good. When Will Ferrell is all she has left, it’s especially bad. For the dog’s sake, thanks to subtitles, the bears are persuaded not to eat anyone because he met their cousin in the woods after being thrown off a bridge by Jack Black. Thank you, Baxter the dog. Anchorman is one of our favorite movies. We’d actually be interested in seeing a short film following Baxter’s adventures in the wilderness. I’m sure someone will see to it to that.
5 – Rise of the Planet of the Apes
More of an ape sanctuary than a zoo When genetically modified Caesar ends up in Abu Ghraib, the “primate shelter,” it’s no wonder he’s depressed. Besides being mistreated by his kin, our furry hero has Draco Malfoy as his personal bodyguard! Tom Felton doesn’t just play rotten bastards in the wizarding world; his cruel, uncaring character here is a disgusting piece of work. As a result, there’s no danger of Caesar assassinating the man. Oh.
4 – Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
Speaking of Harry Potter, one of the most memorable scenes in the first film was again filmed at London Zoo, but this time it was before things got too dark and romantic. When Harry and the ghastly Dursleys go to the zoo, Harry discovers he can communicate with snakes and accidentally breaks the glass in the reptile house, releasing a giant python that scares tubby bastard Dudley. ole Dudders finds a silver lining when he returns, only to find the glass has returned! The guy belongs in a zoo, so they should have left him alone.
3 – An American Werewolf in London
How many zoos are home to werewolves that you know of? Or how about bare-chested males? It appears that the London Zoo has both, if An American Werewolf in London is to be believed. Poor unfortunate American tourist David wakes up naked in the wolf cage at the zoo after a night of werewolf rampaging around town. It’s hard to imagine anything worse than a naked American thief stealing balloons from small children while you’re at the zoo. Everyone should visit the London Zoo!
2 – Withnail & I
Withnail & I’s rainy final scene makes the most of London Zoo’s location, which goes from ridiculous to sublime in a matter of seconds. The self-destructive Withnail of Richard E. Grant stutters to the border of the zoo, where, before an audience of soggy, unperceptive wolves, he gives an unflinching rendition of Hamlet’s tragic “What a piece of work is a man!” speech before walking away, drunk and swaying, with his wine bottle still in his hands. Perfect.
1 – Zoo
First and foremost, there’s Zoo, a film about a man who goes to an American farm hoping to have anal sex with a horse only to die of peritonitis after his colon was perforated. Just to be clear, a stallion kicked him to death. As a result of his case, ‘bestiality’ as a recreational activity gained unwanted attention, and several new laws prohibiting it were passed. It’s hard to believe it was ever legal to begin with, but it’s better late than never. Except in this specific instance.
Unfortunately, you won’t be able to purchase Zoo from the Best For Film Shop due to the film’s obscurity and the fact that we don’t want to encourage such behavior. If you’re brave enough, try searching for the subject on Google to see what comes up, but don’t hold it against us if you find something objectionable.